I spend a lot of time working very hard so no one knows that I'm quietly having a nervous breakdown on the inside. In college I flunked out at one point.
I got fired today because I can't focus long enough to really get work done. It's insane that something I can't seem to get past can do this to my brain. And now my life.
*hugs* Sometimes things aren't get-over-able on one's own. History, mind-set, life in general: sometimes they can each be a wall you can't dig under, climb over or knock down without the help of a friend with heavy machinery. This is not a failing, so much as an inevitable part of being human, in my opinion. If you can't get over it alone (and mercy knows you seem to have tried), find the person with the backhoe, crane, and earthmover to help you, you know?
Really, I shouldn't spout advice unasked for. But honestly I don't think you're a failure and I really hope life picks up for you a bit soon. You deserve a smile or five. =) Hang in there, lady.
"Remember, George. No man is a failure who has friends!" As this string of posts proves. Of course that's beside the point because you're NOT A FAILURE!!! [hugs hugs hugs] Saw a white probe today, thought of you. [more hugs] How tough are you? SO TOUGH!
What I can't figure out is how to work around it. I mean. I've got all these coping mechanisms that got me through college and most of life, but it seems that faking it isn't going to work as well in the job world and and and arugh.
Also, failure is terrifyingly comfortable. And really, it shouldn't be.
Well, speaking from experience - I've been fired from at least three jobs because I could not focus enough, long term, to actually get my work done properly. Now, I also screwed myself over on the most recent one, but this inability to settle, to focus, to be present - was part of it too.
I have been telling my therapist that I see myself split into sections - like there's this competent, happy, smiling woman out on stage, while backstage are all these stick figures, with no hands, trying to juggle their way past fear, anxiety, insecurity and terror, with a side order of flailing.
okay, had time now to read comments and...hmm. Well, I can relate to the lack of focus to a degree and I've gotten around it through various, ah, self-trickery things? Mental games, sticky notes on stuff, writing to-do lists down, relating what I'm doing to my life goals, wearing jewelery, even. I tell myself, as I'm putting my bracelets on, that these are like cuffs binding me to the 'present'. That it's a cage that I'm willing to put on myself so that I get where I need to go. And when I'm feeling it randomly throughout the day, I get reminded to restrain myself. Same with the earrings, I started wearing them because I liked feeling them wiggle on my ears, they remind me that my ears are there, and that I should listen.
I'm not saying necessarily that these are things that you should do, because what works for me might not for you because we are different people. But what I wish to relate to you is that there are methods of compensating for lack of focus that doesn't just involve 'faking it'.
And for a large part is possibly admitting that you can't just do it internally, you need external/physical Other to keep you on track. It was eating my pride and saying to myself, "dude, you *cannot* remember. EAT this weakness of yours and FIGURE SOMETHING OUT."
Part of it is possibly the current Thing To Be, which is to be true to yourself and to be free of bindings or restraints. But while that may be good advice for some people who do not contain a volcano within them and instead contains a lake; it may not be for others who do have volcanoes, who need that restraint.
I know that I am a total spazz and a total flake and totally unfocused, and I know that my brain is really stupid and slow when trying to think linearly...at this point I'm fairly unguilty about it, and unshameful, and am thus more able to deal with these aspects of myself in a productive way, because I'm not as defensive. It's still there tho, some shame and some guilt, I still wish sometimes that I could think linearly like other people, that I don't have such difficulty translating my non-linear thoughts into linear space-time. I wish that I could keep a calendar in my head. I wish that I didn't lose track of time. I wish that my brain goes from A to B instead of sideways. But I wish these only sometimes, and I make do with what I have. And I make it work.
This may sound trite, but remember, it's only a job. And I would have to say that bosses really aren't always the best judges of people's potential. Which is so wrong on so many levels, but true.
Here's what I suggest: go freelance. You may say that it is too tough, and it will be difficult at first, especially financially. But you can do it. Become a writer, or an artist, or whatever you want, because I know that once you put your mind to it, you can accomplish it. And don't forget that you have all of your friends ready to back you up at a moment's notice. We're here for you.
Oh, honey. You are not a failure. I think that everyone worries that other people see too much of them- see qualities that aren't there. But it's just that: worry. *big, big hugs*
...*offers hugs* They're all right: bosses and jobs aren't a measure of a person's worth. This might be an indication of a job skill you just don't have, but not-having job skills does not a failure-at-life make.
Sherry might have hit on something there...I don't know, really, I'm not in your head and I'm not one of the closest confidantes, but I remember what you were telling K when we were leaving Michael's: That you got your theater degree instead of doing what was "practical" and now you're spending your time being "practical" instead of doing what you want, except that you don't know what you want. So maybe work on that. I mean...while a certain measure of practicality has to be infused into day-to-day in order to let you keep afloat, I think it would help you to sort out what you *want* to do - in whole or in part - even if you can't immediately enact it/make a career out of it. It might help focus things.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
I got fired today because I can't focus long enough to really get work done. It's insane that something I can't seem to get past can do this to my brain. And now my life.
Eh heh.
no subject
Really, I shouldn't spout advice unasked for. But honestly I don't think you're a failure and I really hope life picks up for you a bit soon. You deserve a smile or five. =) Hang in there, lady.
no subject
Besides, you're a very cool person.
no subject
Eh heh. *fail*
no subject
no subject
no subject
[hugs]
As this string of posts proves.
Of course that's beside the point because you're NOT A FAILURE!!!
[hugs hugs hugs]
Saw a white probe today, thought of you.
[more hugs]
How tough are you? SO TOUGH!
(PS. I am always, always, here for you)
Re: [hugs]
no subject
And it's one of the major reasons I'm in three hours of intensive therapy per week. Sigh.
no subject
Also, failure is terrifyingly comfortable. And really, it shouldn't be.
no subject
I have been telling my therapist that I see myself split into sections - like there's this competent, happy, smiling woman out on stage, while backstage are all these stick figures, with no hands, trying to juggle their way past fear, anxiety, insecurity and terror, with a side order of flailing.
no subject
*hugs tightly*
My love to you.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I'm not saying necessarily that these are things that you should do, because what works for me might not for you because we are different people. But what I wish to relate to you is that there are methods of compensating for lack of focus that doesn't just involve 'faking it'.
And for a large part is possibly admitting that you can't just do it internally, you need external/physical Other to keep you on track. It was eating my pride and saying to myself, "dude, you *cannot* remember. EAT this weakness of yours and FIGURE SOMETHING OUT."
Part of it is possibly the current Thing To Be, which is to be true to yourself and to be free of bindings or restraints. But while that may be good advice for some people who do not contain a volcano within them and instead contains a lake; it may not be for others who do have volcanoes, who need that restraint.
I know that I am a total spazz and a total flake and totally unfocused, and I know that my brain is really stupid and slow when trying to think linearly...at this point I'm fairly unguilty about it, and unshameful, and am thus more able to deal with these aspects of myself in a productive way, because I'm not as defensive. It's still there tho, some shame and some guilt, I still wish sometimes that I could think linearly like other people, that I don't have such difficulty translating my non-linear thoughts into linear space-time. I wish that I could keep a calendar in my head. I wish that I didn't lose track of time. I wish that my brain goes from A to B instead of sideways. But I wish these only sometimes, and I make do with what I have. And I make it work.
I think you can make it work too.
::hugs::
no subject
This may sound trite, but remember, it's only a job. And I would have to say that bosses really aren't always the best judges of people's potential. Which is so wrong on so many levels, but true.
Here's what I suggest: go freelance. You may say that it is too tough, and it will be difficult at first, especially financially. But you can do it. Become a writer, or an artist, or whatever you want, because I know that once you put your mind to it, you can accomplish it. And don't forget that you have all of your friends ready to back you up at a moment's notice. We're here for you.
no subject
no subject
Sherry might have hit on something there...I don't know, really, I'm not in your head and I'm not one of the closest confidantes, but I remember what you were telling K when we were leaving Michael's: That you got your theater degree instead of doing what was "practical" and now you're spending your time being "practical" instead of doing what you want, except that you don't know what you want. So maybe work on that. I mean...while a certain measure of practicality has to be infused into day-to-day in order to let you keep afloat, I think it would help you to sort out what you *want* to do - in whole or in part - even if you can't immediately enact it/make a career out of it. It might help focus things.
*more hugs*