okay, had time now to read comments and...hmm. Well, I can relate to the lack of focus to a degree and I've gotten around it through various, ah, self-trickery things? Mental games, sticky notes on stuff, writing to-do lists down, relating what I'm doing to my life goals, wearing jewelery, even. I tell myself, as I'm putting my bracelets on, that these are like cuffs binding me to the 'present'. That it's a cage that I'm willing to put on myself so that I get where I need to go. And when I'm feeling it randomly throughout the day, I get reminded to restrain myself. Same with the earrings, I started wearing them because I liked feeling them wiggle on my ears, they remind me that my ears are there, and that I should listen.
I'm not saying necessarily that these are things that you should do, because what works for me might not for you because we are different people. But what I wish to relate to you is that there are methods of compensating for lack of focus that doesn't just involve 'faking it'.
And for a large part is possibly admitting that you can't just do it internally, you need external/physical Other to keep you on track. It was eating my pride and saying to myself, "dude, you *cannot* remember. EAT this weakness of yours and FIGURE SOMETHING OUT."
Part of it is possibly the current Thing To Be, which is to be true to yourself and to be free of bindings or restraints. But while that may be good advice for some people who do not contain a volcano within them and instead contains a lake; it may not be for others who do have volcanoes, who need that restraint.
I know that I am a total spazz and a total flake and totally unfocused, and I know that my brain is really stupid and slow when trying to think linearly...at this point I'm fairly unguilty about it, and unshameful, and am thus more able to deal with these aspects of myself in a productive way, because I'm not as defensive. It's still there tho, some shame and some guilt, I still wish sometimes that I could think linearly like other people, that I don't have such difficulty translating my non-linear thoughts into linear space-time. I wish that I could keep a calendar in my head. I wish that I didn't lose track of time. I wish that my brain goes from A to B instead of sideways. But I wish these only sometimes, and I make do with what I have. And I make it work.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-11 08:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-14 09:56 pm (UTC)I'm not saying necessarily that these are things that you should do, because what works for me might not for you because we are different people. But what I wish to relate to you is that there are methods of compensating for lack of focus that doesn't just involve 'faking it'.
And for a large part is possibly admitting that you can't just do it internally, you need external/physical Other to keep you on track. It was eating my pride and saying to myself, "dude, you *cannot* remember. EAT this weakness of yours and FIGURE SOMETHING OUT."
Part of it is possibly the current Thing To Be, which is to be true to yourself and to be free of bindings or restraints. But while that may be good advice for some people who do not contain a volcano within them and instead contains a lake; it may not be for others who do have volcanoes, who need that restraint.
I know that I am a total spazz and a total flake and totally unfocused, and I know that my brain is really stupid and slow when trying to think linearly...at this point I'm fairly unguilty about it, and unshameful, and am thus more able to deal with these aspects of myself in a productive way, because I'm not as defensive. It's still there tho, some shame and some guilt, I still wish sometimes that I could think linearly like other people, that I don't have such difficulty translating my non-linear thoughts into linear space-time. I wish that I could keep a calendar in my head. I wish that I didn't lose track of time. I wish that my brain goes from A to B instead of sideways. But I wish these only sometimes, and I make do with what I have. And I make it work.
I think you can make it work too.
::hugs::