A Reminder.

[aquabean]

Up until today, I'd never really thought about it. So I'm gay. I'm out to my friends, even if I'm not out to my parents, and my girlfriend is amazing. It's just how things are.


This afternoon I was called into the office of the site manager where I work and told that I should, from this point on, refrain from talking about my personal life or making any kind of reference to any significant other while at work. Because someone had complained. No. They'd "expressed some concern."

Because I'd said to someone commenting on my height, "Yeah, my girlfriend teases me about it all the time."

What I do for this company is job recruiting. I interview people, bring them in for testing and then, if they pass, send them down for supervisor interviews. It's just as straight forward as it sounds. A pun that I should have realized would be taken very much to heart.

The "concern" was expressed anonymously, though, based on the incident that was given to me I know exactly who was there and have a fairly good idea as to who it was that spoke to the management. I'm not sure that we hired them.

Bad enough, that I should be told that I will be required not to mention one of the people most important to me, even in passing, while in the office, the reasoning becomes enough to leave me numb. Because, apparently, as the recruiter I'm one of the first impressions that potential employees are given of the company. My mentioning my personal life -- and at this point in the conversation my Significant Other was mentioned specifically -- may give them a bad impression of the company at large.

There is a slightly sick feeling lingering in the back of my throat. Perhaps I should have gotten madder. Perhaps I should have asked more questions. Perhaps, though, they're right. It isn't professional to talk about your personal life to people you don't know. There's no reason to bring it up, and certainly no reason to think that anyone else would care.

Except that I can not shake the feeling that if I had said that the person teasing me was a boyfriend, or a husband, or simply tacked an S onto the end of just one word in that statement, this conversation never would have taken place.

But maybe I'm wrong.

Am I being foolish and immature by thinking that talking about the Girl is a given right? An adult, a well and truly mature adult, would be able to suck it up and simply accept that life doesn't always operate in the manner we think it should and sometimes we make choices that mean we have to do things we don't like. The part of me that fears my parent's rejection, that wonders at whether I would be allowed to family events, is screaming that what else did I expect? To be a functioning member of society certain accepted sacrifices are made. Live outside those expectations and other sacrifices will be added to your list. And this is one of mine.

Yet this too feels unfair. It feels wrong.

Again, I wonder at my own lack of anger. I think that maybe it simply comes from the fact that I don't know where to put it. I don't even know that I have any right to it. Having smiled through the whole interview, nothing being more important showing them I understood and wouldn't make any kind of fuss, it seems I've gotten stuck on Fine, and everything except a kind of numb shock has abandoned me. This whole post is so much less clear than I would like, and perhaps I'll come back later and clean it up, but it will do for now.



At least I got my car back this afternoon, fixed and running better than it has in months and months.

Comments

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

Is the no talking about personal life details an across the board human resources policy? If not, then I would have said "I'm sorry that made Person X - because I'm quite sure that's who complained - uncomfortable, but too bad. The gender of my SO is nobody's business but mine, however - until everyone is required to enter this office and become an orphan without any family or friends to be mentioned, I'll be conducting myself professionally as usual."

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

How 'bout if I get angry for you? Depending on your own company's policy, that person may be in violation. God. God.

[trensaddiction.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

As an optimist, I'd love to say that you've no grounds for your fears and that they'd be just as bitchy if you'd been talking about a male S.O., but unfortunately, even I don't think your concerns are entirely implausable. People are scared of the unusual (and even the not-so-unusual, if it's not precisely like them). Fact of life, but that doesn't make it right, or any easier to deal with when you're the odd man out.

It seems they are essentially saying they don't want to risk the possibility of homophobes not wanting to work there. What a crazy world.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

[elizacake.livejournal.com]

Except that I can not shake the feeling that if I had said that the person teasing me was a boyfriend, or a husband, or simply tacked an S onto the end of just one word in that statement, this conversation never would have taken place.

But maybe I'm wrong.

You don't have to shake it; you're not wrong.

And you've made very reasonable arguments for all sides of this issue, I don't see any immaturity or over reaction at all (other than the "given right" argument, which has become nonsensical due to over use). I would suggest going to the management and getting clarification on this policy--and use the word policy--re: employees not being allowed to talk about their families at work. Use the word families, too. Ask if it just when interviewing potential employees (sort of reasonable when one squints hard) or anywhere within the confines of the workplace. Sometimes just making someone think about what they said can be enough to make them realize that what they said was stupid.

*re-reading last sentence* It is this level of optimism about human nature that keeps me in a constant state of disappointment. I need some cake. Wanna share? *see icon*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. Oh, my dear.

You're not being foolish or immature. It is unfair. It is wrong. You shouldn't be asked to have to ignore or hide an important part of yourself. I'm so sorry/

[singmebackhome.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. You are totally right that this would have never happened if you were in a straight relationship. If they don't have anything in the HR manual about significant others and personal life talk in the work place, then they could be setting themselves up to get bit in the ass. This sounds like total discrimination. I would keep track of other people in the office mentioning their SO's and say something about it.

[nightengale.livejournal.com]

It isn't professional to talk about your personal life to people you don't know. There's no reason to bring it up, and certainly no reason to think that anyone else would care.

You weren't *discussing* it. You weren't doing anything that would be considered out of line had it been "boyfriend." Or "girlfriends," that too.

I've experienced this same thing too, but to a lesser extent; more unspoken pressure and suggestion via innuendo rather than a formal meeting, but I still feel for you. And it...calling you into the freaking OFFICE. Like a child being reprimanded. I find myself battling encouraging an abrupt urge to strangle things. Or throats.

However, violence gets you nowhere, but policy violation and discrimination possibilities might. To what everyone else commenting said, I concur. If only fixing this were as easy as going into the mechanic's garage and making grown men cry.

I'm sorry that they made what you've got seem so shameful, or secret. It's altogether too cool and too cute and too beautiful for that. ♥

[karotsamused.livejournal.com]

*is sick*



I wish I could ignore my father, but he's right about things sometimes in the worst of ways.

[wildelamassu.livejournal.com]

...It offends me that there's no anti-discrimination policy or law against these things. You're certainly worth more than that as an employee, even, let alone as a human being. Just--just--we call ourselves "civilized," dammit.

[permetaform]

...dude. ::hugs::

I think...maybe because on some level you realize it wouldn't be productive anger? Because I think you have a right to be angry, except...there really no where good to use it on, and to turn it inwards would not only be silly but also counter-productive.

::hugs again:: I think you are perhaps just being very mature about all of this, zen perhaps, even while I also think you do have a right to be pissed off and you know it too and it might just be befuddling you that you *are* being so zen about it? Angry that perhaps you aren't angrier? I dunno if that makes sense...

[tj-dragonblade.livejournal.com]

As others have said more eloquently already: If there's no formal policy restricting discussion of family and personal life, then this is indeed the grave injustice we all recognize it to be and you have every right to be hurt by it. And to challenge them on it, whether subtly or directly.

*hugs you fiercely*

God, I hate the world some days...

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

::makes incoherent noises while turning red in the face::

::vein in temple begins to throb::

::takes deep breath::

::lets it out very, very slowly::

I think that tomorrow you should approach the site manager and ask for clarification on the policy. Since you are the one who often interacts with people they wish to recruit, it's best that you have a complete comprehension of the company's stance on everything. And I'd use examples: "So if co-worker B starts talking about what she and her husband are doing for their anniversary, she's in violation of company policy?" "So if co-worker C mentions he and his girlfriend are getting married, he's in violation of company policy?" If the site manager says that these, in fact, are not violations of company policy, then I'd recommend saying, "Then I'm afraid I fail to see the point of yesterday's meeting, because the understanding I took from it was that my examples would count."

If your site manager is at all savvy, they'll pull in the complaining person and tell them to stuff it before the company has a discrimination suit on its hands. Which you'd never do, but they don't need to know that.

[chinchilla82.livejournal.com]

Okay, who do I punch/shoot/maim/all of the above?

First, you should feel no guilt for anything you have done. Because you have done nothing. NOTHING.

It's just so...so...I don't even know what to say in situations like this! I get this cold anger...and I just want to...kick! Gnaraaaaggghh!

That someone can't speak about their SO whenever they choose is un-fucking-fair. I feel that as long as you aren't talking about what the two of you do in the bedroom (or wherever else...heh...) in detail, there should be no complaint.
This is what I hate about our society...and why I love New York. It doesn't matter here if you're straight, gay, bisexual, allsexual, etc etc.

Speaking of which, I'm glad you have a great girlfriend, and that, regardless of the idiots at your office, you're happy. ^_^ Focus on that, and ignore the stupidheads that surround us.