![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aquabeanIt is one of those days. Has been one of those days.
The possibility that I suck supremely as a writer has come to the forefront of my brain (I think my brain is lying to me. I hope my brain is lying to me), and this makes me sad. I have however been encourage on other fronts (despite failure which, let's face it, is sometimes worse. Because what if you fail the second or third or fourth times as well? I have never fallen off a bicycle because every time there was a bumpy spot, or steep down hill I got off and walked.) and so I carry on.
Also it is good to know that you are needed. Tonight I held someone and actually helped. This was good thing. She is my good thing, and that was even more. Mm. Yes, simply more.
But the dogs too were near frantic with joy when I finally returned home. With the parents gone to Oaxaca for three weeks the pups are beside themselves. As happens every time I watch them, I'm no longer allowed to do even the simplest tasks on my own. No, not even taking a shower or going to the bathroom. Always there is an audience of at least one poodle. It feels rather like they watch me in shifts.
...Though right now they have simply camped out in front of the doors. One at the front, the other at the back. There will be no second escape for me tonight.
I have not been sleeping well lately, a combination of stress and homesickness and jealousy. Also, my parents bed is nice and big, but not my own bed and definitely not my own pillow. My neck protests this rather loudly. (My arms protest the lack of company more, but that is rather a given) But there are poodles and poodles make up for a multitude of sins.
Yesterday, my mood was terrible. Dark and hopeless I wanted nothing more than to be cruel to everyone. Well, perhaps this isn't entirely true. Yesterday my mood was fine. It was last night that it took a sudden and unexpected turn for the Incredibly (and needlessly) Melancholy. While I am well aware of my own unreasonableness-- actually, it may very well be because I am so aware of how unreasonable I was being --I was supremely frustrated. Mostly with myself and the hold I seem to have on my tongue. It would have been a huge relief to simply say terrible, terrible untrue things. Though only for a moment. And then it would have been a million times worse.
But tonight. Tonight was good. Tonight I helped. Tonight I had hot dogs for dinner with the Grandma and then ice cream and I was adored by several small and wonderful dogs. And even one rather ornery cat. And certainly, I am still unreasonable, but it is now me being unreasonable (I miss you, and I only left you half an hour ago) rather than a Not-Me making choices while the actual Me is tied to a chair somewhere with her mouth duct taped shut.
So, yes. It has been a day. But also, it was a day, is a day. I have had a day. And how can life be bad when there are days to be had at all.
It is easier now, to be unreasonable, to hold someone, to let a dog out into the back yard (I do that right now... and return with both dog and also a cat), to make dinner for a woman of 92, and all because I had a day.
I pray tonight that tomorrow with be another day. For who knows what it will bring, but those things will be seen and done and felt. That day too will be had.
The possibility that I suck supremely as a writer has come to the forefront of my brain (I think my brain is lying to me. I hope my brain is lying to me), and this makes me sad. I have however been encourage on other fronts (despite failure which, let's face it, is sometimes worse. Because what if you fail the second or third or fourth times as well? I have never fallen off a bicycle because every time there was a bumpy spot, or steep down hill I got off and walked.) and so I carry on.
Also it is good to know that you are needed. Tonight I held someone and actually helped. This was good thing. She is my good thing, and that was even more. Mm. Yes, simply more.
But the dogs too were near frantic with joy when I finally returned home. With the parents gone to Oaxaca for three weeks the pups are beside themselves. As happens every time I watch them, I'm no longer allowed to do even the simplest tasks on my own. No, not even taking a shower or going to the bathroom. Always there is an audience of at least one poodle. It feels rather like they watch me in shifts.
...Though right now they have simply camped out in front of the doors. One at the front, the other at the back. There will be no second escape for me tonight.
I have not been sleeping well lately, a combination of stress and homesickness and jealousy. Also, my parents bed is nice and big, but not my own bed and definitely not my own pillow. My neck protests this rather loudly. (My arms protest the lack of company more, but that is rather a given) But there are poodles and poodles make up for a multitude of sins.
Yesterday, my mood was terrible. Dark and hopeless I wanted nothing more than to be cruel to everyone. Well, perhaps this isn't entirely true. Yesterday my mood was fine. It was last night that it took a sudden and unexpected turn for the Incredibly (and needlessly) Melancholy. While I am well aware of my own unreasonableness-- actually, it may very well be because I am so aware of how unreasonable I was being --I was supremely frustrated. Mostly with myself and the hold I seem to have on my tongue. It would have been a huge relief to simply say terrible, terrible untrue things. Though only for a moment. And then it would have been a million times worse.
But tonight. Tonight was good. Tonight I helped. Tonight I had hot dogs for dinner with the Grandma and then ice cream and I was adored by several small and wonderful dogs. And even one rather ornery cat. And certainly, I am still unreasonable, but it is now me being unreasonable (I miss you, and I only left you half an hour ago) rather than a Not-Me making choices while the actual Me is tied to a chair somewhere with her mouth duct taped shut.
So, yes. It has been a day. But also, it was a day, is a day. I have had a day. And how can life be bad when there are days to be had at all.
It is easier now, to be unreasonable, to hold someone, to let a dog out into the back yard (I do that right now... and return with both dog and also a cat), to make dinner for a woman of 92, and all because I had a day.
I pray tonight that tomorrow with be another day. For who knows what it will bring, but those things will be seen and done and felt. That day too will be had.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-25 03:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-25 04:17 pm (UTC)Mmm. Thank you.
It's just been one of those odd weeks. The parents leaving and having an extra 30min. to my commute and then grandma and the dogs-- heh. Hooo, a whiner is me. But, yeah. Just one of those weeks. And it's odd when you're not in a bad mood any more but you aren't really what kind of mood you're in and so you just go with "numb." Only not really because it's actually a whole lot more like "over critical and introspective," which is just a lot of fancy lingo for "vague emo."
...also, it makes you ramble. Eh heh.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-25 04:33 pm (UTC)a few points
Date: 2006-05-25 07:21 pm (UTC)b. You are awesome
c. Hugs
Re: a few points
Date: 2006-05-25 07:48 pm (UTC)2) Is this one the scale of one to awesome? Because then I hope to one day be Super Great.
3)HUGS. Mm. Yes.
Re: a few points
Date: 2006-05-25 10:37 pm (UTC)