It's not quite guilt.

[aquabean]

So sometimes things, mistakes, happen and, yes, we all learn from them, but it's the irrational need to own those mistakes that I wish I could get past. They talk about claiming, or reclaiming, those things, events, words, etc., that shame us, but what about when that urge seems to go to far?

It was an accident. Hardly even that, since it happened in a totally passive manner, and yet, I want to say that it's my fault and figure out a way to fix it. Which has to be mildly infuriating for the other party involved. The sense making here is... not so much really.

But I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about the things that make us happy and those things that make us feel ashamed, and actually had an interesting discussion about birthdays in the car the other day, and I've realized that it all comes down to this.

There is nothing more terrifying that going to another person and saying, "Love me."

Okay, yeah, you could be set on fire, or fed to hungry lions, but really, how many of you see that in your future? No, the question of affection and comfort and surrounding oneself with those who care is much more immediate.

And the denial of the above request is one that is much more likely to happen, than, say, lions.

Which all ties back into my issue of guilt. I think a large part of it must factor into the though that if I don't own up to it being my fault the other party(ies) involved will look at me and then say, to themselves, "Look at her. She makes these terrible, selfish mistakes and can't even own up to it? What kind of person is she?" Which in turn means that when I go to them with the words, "Love me," on my lips they're completely justified in their decision to not. All of this despite the fact that in the case here that outcome is essentially nil. The fact remains that it's what I worry might happen.

How much of this has to do with what happened? Next to nothing. Mostly I think it's that Bear is coming home this week and I adore her. And she reminds me of all the things I should be doing for the family that I'm not. Heh. Ah, the joys of family and the holidays.

...I think I will remedy all of this by baking pies today.

If you live in the La Jolla area, you're getting your fair warning now. I'm delivering one of them to an old family friend and if you're on my route you may well get a slice yourself.



In other news, my right wrist is killing me. I think I might just ice it. Ow.

Comments

[karotsamused.livejournal.com]

Ice it. You know what happens when you don't - Roy starts getting tetchy about sex.

And as for the rest, well. Nobody forced anybody else to do anything. Thereby, blame isn't applicable.

[runefallstar.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Point.






...I forget I hang out with those people are of the good. Heh.

[nightengale.livejournal.com]

What's happened, Rune? Need an ear, call me. Always. You know I mean it.

*sends love*

[karotsamused.livejournal.com]

*grins* It'd be good if you used coherent sentences, love.




I also think there must be a discussion on the merits of the postures used for Protagnus Gladium as opposed to the defaults. At least for the sake of an overlong spinal cord. *winces*

[runefallstar.livejournal.com]

Heh. Nothing happened. I was just having a minor spaz after having talked to Bear on the phone and realizing I haven't gotten anything for my mum's birthday on Saturday. >_< Then again, I've got a week.

...I'm thinking something from See's Candy.

[runefallstar.livejournal.com]

I admit that I'm more amendable to the habits of tradition. Mm... warm. Heh.

[karotsamused.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Atticus loves you too.

It's just a matter of heights and the bit where chambered nautilii are great, but their postures aren't.

[sasateq.livejournal.com]

There is nothing more terrifying that going to another person and saying, "Love me." Okay, yeah, you could be set on fire, or fed to hungry lions, but...the question of affection and comfort and surrounding oneself with those who care is much more immediate.
And the denial of the above request is one that is much more likely to happen, than, say, lions.

I've had this exact feeling this entire week. (I removed it temporarily by putting up the Christmas tree. Um.) For me, it never quite tied into guilt, but I can see where you're coming from there, and I hope it works out.
Perhaps it's sweeping the globe. You never know - we could always blame it on bird migration again.

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

I still think it's interesting how differently we react to similar stimuli. You talk of guilt and seek to make amends when they're not necessary, and I just add another shovel of fuel to the rage fire that keeps me going. Dysfunctional in different ways, as I said. ;-)

I still have your watch, missy. And what happened to your right wrist? That's not the one I expected to hear was bothering you.

::Santa!penguins!::

[runefallstar.livejournal.com]

I think heading into the holidays might have a bit to do with it too. You get to see all that family that you don't see otherwise, and all that kind of thing.

*laughs* All those questions about, "And when are you going to settle down?" don't hurt either. Hee.


Also? I suggest the making of pie. It really does make for the much improvement in all kinds of moods. *G*